During his time hosting the reality show The Apprentice, Donald Trump Like to use this phrase: You’re fired. It’s his slogan and is synonymous with other Trumpisms: gilded designs that look like they belong in the Ottoman Empire, WWE Hall of Famers, stream-of-consciousness speeches that hint at salivation, taking credit for ceasefires, describing all objects as beautiful, and generally the unhinged Americana of steroids and Diet Coke. Yet in his second term as president—after returning from political exile and dodging a bullet—Trump was rather reluctant to use his slogan.According to an analysis of Trump’s A team by the Brookings Institution, during Trump’s first term, when he was still surrounded by old-school Republicans, he fired 60 candidates, with a turnover rate as high as 92%. By the end of his term in the White House, only five people remained in their original positions.To make sure it doesn’t happen again this time, Trump has assembled a group of aides who are the living embodiments of the Peter Principle, loyal to Trump and Trump alone, and who all sound like they were auditioning for a spoof of a Hollywood movie, as evidenced by this Mortal Kombat-themed mash-up of the White House video with some of pop culture’s most memorable characters, showing that even the most incomplete, grumpy, and incorrigible human regimes are capable of good publicity.read: Why Trump’s Washington is St. Petersburg The Trump 2.0 dream team includes a director of national intelligence (DNI) who is so out of touch with the intelligence community that her aides joke that DNI stands for “not invited”; an FBI director who is in the news more for partying than for his work; an education secretary who thinks artificial intelligence is “steak sauce”; a war secretary who beat a man with an ax on live television; and a health secretary who believes in anti-vaccination conspiracy theories. It’s like Sarah Palin’s cabinet, except they both make Sarah Palin look like a member of Mensa. It’s reminiscent of an epic “Yes Minister” line: “The Minister of Industry is the idlest man in town, the Minister of Education is illiterate, and the Minister of Employment is unemployed.”There are many, many more examples, but due to time and space constraints, we turn to the MVP in question: Kristi Noem.As a youngster, Norm won the South Dakota Snow Queen award, foreshadowing the moniker she would most recently be bestowed upon. Era: ICE Barbie. For those unfamiliar, ICE is the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency that has been waging a war on suburban moms while pretending to catch illegal immigrants.She was once considered Trump’s running mate, but dropped out of the race after it was revealed that she shot and killed her own dog, which was too much even for the Trump team.
While serving as governor of South Dakota, she checked every “MAGA” box: vehemently opposed to abortion and even stem cell research; denied the scientific consensus on climate change; opposed subsidized child care; threatened a government employee with denying her daughter a real estate agent’s license; was banned from Native American tribal lands over claims of collusion with Mexican cartels; ran an anti-drug campaign called “Meth.” We’re working on it”; and famously boasted that her two-year-old granddaughter had several guns.All of this makes her the perfect choice to serve as Secretary of Homeland Security, responsible for all internal threats to the United States.Noem immediately boosted his credentials when his handbag was stolen from a restaurant in Washington, D.C., containing $3,000 in cash and government access cards.But what did Noem do to make Trump the second person on Trump’s A-Team to be fired, the first being former National Security Advisor (NSA) Mike Walz, who added an Atlantic reporter to the Signal War chat to discuss the bombing?When ICE agents shot and killed two Americans in Minnesota, she wasn’t fired.She wasn’t even fired when she called one of the people shot, a VA nurse, a “domestic terrorist” or lied about his use of a gun.She wasn’t fired for calling the FBI “corrupt.”When reports surfaced that ICE was releasing untrained agents on the streets due to an artificial intelligence glitch, she escaped the ropes.When ICE arrested a South Korean citizen working at a Hyundai factory, she escaped sanctions.She didn’t get fired for buying luxury planes with barely any seats to deport illegal immigrants.She even survived being in a prison in El Salvador brandishing a Rolex watch (allegedly having an affair with an aide) and not releasing FEMA funds, much to the chagrin of Republicans.all is well. Until that wasn’t the case.Franz Kafka wrote in “The Maxim of Zulau”: “There are two sins that are the root of all other sins: impatience and laziness. Because of impatience, we are driven out of paradise, and because of laziness, we cannot return.” In Trump’s paradise, there are also two original sins: accusing Trump of something and accusing Trump of something.
“Loyalty is absolutely key,” former Customs and Border Protection Commissioner Gil Kerlikowske told the New York Times. “It’s a good rule of thumb to never disgrace your boss, especially for him, and I think that’s a cardinal sin, and she did violate that.”Noem’s crime came during a Senate hearing.Asked whether Trump approved more than $200 million worth of advertising space for her political advisers, Noem responded in the affirmative.
A New York Times report said Trump was angry when he saw snippets of her answers, which was outrageous considering he had a lot of things on his mind, including a real war.So, what does Kristi Noem do now?Trump’s announcement that she would be an envoy to Shield of the Americas — which sounds as fabricated as the FIFA Peace Prize — makes one wonder if anyone came up with the idea while watching Marvel Cinematic Universe reruns.Half expected the job description to include forming the Avengers.It’s hard not to feel a little sympathy for Norm right now. Being a woman in MAGA is just as difficult as being an Indian in MAGA, perhaps even more so, because not only does one have to debate oneself by celebrating ongoing misogyny, but one also has to mold one’s appearance to a specific aesthetic. Noem did almost everything Trump asked her to do and still got kicked out.
Earlier in December 2025, protesters interrupted Noem’s congressional hearing, shouting a line from the cult classic “The Exorcist” at her: “Stop ICE. The power of Christ compels you.” It was not Christ who ultimately expelled her from Trump’s kingdom. Just don’t agree with Trump.
