‘The thought of jumping…’: Sivaramakrishnan on how the scars of racism lead to depression

Former India leg-spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan has spoken of a period when he “didn’t want to see himself in the mirror” and felt like he was “dying”, describing a mental breakdown during his time as a commentator and linking it to years of racist and colour-based comments.Sivaramakrishnan, who played 25 international matches for India in his five-year career, said the situation became more serious during the IPL in the UAE amid the Covid-19 lockdown. “I was completely depressed and I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror. I would have a few glasses of wine and go to bed because I couldn’t stand anything. Every time I was awake I thought I was going to die.”He described how his daily life fell apart at that stage. He would shut himself in a room and lose track of time. “Sometimes, when we travel in Dubai, there is no speed limit. If the car is going very fast, something in my head tells me to open the door and jump out. Somehow, something stops me from doing anything stupid,” the former India spinner told The Indian Express in an interview.Sleep becomes difficult and hallucinations recur. “You close your eyes and you see unimaginable images. It’s all very scary. You open your eyes and there’s nothing. But you’re so tired and want to sleep. You close your eyes for a while and then open them again. And then you fall asleep.” He said alcohol worsened the situation. “Every time, you entangle yourself more and more. The whole world out there says to you, ‘See, I told you so.'” Wine is the reason. I told you’. “Sivaramakrishnan said even during 23 years as a commentator, appearance issues affected opportunities. “I have never done a toss or a demo. I asked a producer why. He said, ‘Our bosses instructed us not to let you in.’ They said it was because I wasn’t decent enough.” He added, “The most charismatic and best in the industry is Vijay Amritraj. Isn’t he black?”He traces these experiences back to his early days in cricket. As a 14-year-old bowler at Chepauk, he recalled being mistaken for a groundsman by a senior player. “I just looked at him and said, ‘It’s none of my business,'” he told The Indian Express in an interview.He also spoke about the haunting ordeal of racism in the Indian dressing room.Sivaramakrishnan had previously traveled to Pakistan with the Indian team and made his Test debut in Antigua in April 1983. At the age of 17 years and 118 days, he became India’s youngest player to play in a Test match.The former India spinner revealed that he spent more time in the West Indies dressing room during the 1983 tour when he made his Test debut in Antigua.

He said the comments affected his confidence over time. “People would ignore me because of my darkness. Every time it happened, I would have a hurt feeling. I would always want to forget, forget, forget, but deep down it would always take root and then it would come out. All of these things put me in a very low self-esteem position at a very young age…It was hard to build confidence.”In contrast, he said he found recognition during the West Indies tour. He spent time with the likes of Malcolm Marshall and Desmond Haynes, who often took him out. “Everyone was darker. They were very happy people,” he said.He also recalled a conversation with Gordon Greenidge, who spoke about similar issues faced in England. “He told me personally that this is what I went through in England and that’s why I just mind my business, play my cricket and go away.”